far tofrequent home comings

she sits with her legs bented and reseting nest to her in her seat. a shirt sits drapped as light as paper rolling in the breeze, jumping of her knees over and over then returning. its almost to cold to be waring the lights long sleave, almost. her fingers correse a glass of wine, more spun in the glass and inhaled then sipped. the suns starting to set and theres lines of gold shooting through the clouds, soon they'll be pink and brilliant red, soon he'll be home. her eyes follow the sounds of leaves falling from there perches and occasional birds fetching there lovers for dinner, blindly her eyes move, in reality just listening. her nails run allong the bottom of the glass she takes a deep breath and then a long sip, allowing every taste to cristalize before swollowing the necture down. a car rumbles softly in the distance, one leg slips from her side and rests on the floor as leans forwards searching the road for the lights, its been 3 weeks and shes grown to long the taste of his breath more direly with ever in hale of her wine. she closes her eyes and finds him in her thoughts, knowing he is close, finally getting closer. she leens back and finishes her wine as the car pulls in, then with one deep swollow and aprehensive pause, she stands, eyes still closed, he lifts her from her feet and spins in bautiful embrase, then kisses her face and finds her lips, shes smiling, "still you?" you asks in his ear. he wispers back, "and still yours."

dinner

the fire glows in the corner splashing shadows and brilliance over her face. we sit next to each other in a booth facing a wall. memories of pasta, pine nut, and shrimp. red wine still soaking our glasses and diluting out minds. warmth. warmth not felt for many days slides beteen our skin as a brush in seat. as if a single soul we pass a smile back and fothe between us. smooth skin and soft lips. go wine and a love more honest then film.

a prayer.

seven shades. seven shades of black spill into by canvase. every one as qunic and utterly im perfect as the last. defining all inchich i am. they are the face to the what you could never. defined on paper with a shiny gloss, an image poured out of light, then made perfect with vingar and acid. the water is always running the a blood red room. closing your eye. no sight is needed to know that the black and the whites will prove perfection. the shades make face. skulls. the very matter that makes the eye blink. cuts to the soul then flows into the light and lays down on paper waiting for the chemicals to trap in its light.

Teger Station- reil returns

inspired by gods with the crystal glare of star burnt brightness engulfing her vision. a signal arm stretching, pale, strong, no sign of a human form. skin like silk, coarse and flowing over what ever veins lay underneath, defying all logic as a face follows the arm. still with the light at his back, from his eyes, burning orbs contained by no shade of glass or thickness of wall, now burning the back of her retina, she knows she must look away, but she can not break the gaze, what she cannot see some how holding her mind in place. her head of-coarse follows, forgetting the presence of her neck, all below her might as well have vanished, for with out any direct communication she has lost them. she doesn't notice, but she no longer needs to breath, her hair no longer falls to her shoulder, he heart, no longer pounds, and she, of-coarse, cannot blink; her eyes beyond entranced. still staring up, the light, his voice, if only i could reach, the hand so close, my arms, no need, i need only think it. he mind found the fingers of the heavens gently grazing the side of her cheek, emitting a warmth that she had never felt. he smiles, his eyes soften, fingers find their way to lay behind her ear, then his mouth opens, the sound of a train comes screaming out. i wind pulls her, her eyes blink violently, and she falls slightly backwards bending at the knees, feeling suddenly cold, and defend, the train flying only a few feet in front of her. she knew she had been fatally, close, she looked up and down the tracks as a light in the distance flickered twice then deadens. then forward in time to see the last window of the last car on the train fly by, it is him, im the window, looking out, hand pressed to the glass, waiting for her, to see her face, then disappear. follows him with her eyes her face and all of her body not believing his eyes, and as quickly as all things pass, he is truly gone. she stands momentarily stunned. felling the dry cold burn her cheeks and hands, drying the inside of her noise as it struggled to cling to more. she then becomes animated once agian, searching for a second, then finding her purse no more then a step behind her on the paved station floor. she picks it up brings it to her shoulder leaving her hand against her cold tan leather jacket to hold the strap in place and walks a few paces to the pay phone. with out thought she dials, a voice calm, gentle, not her voice, but her others, mine, "Teger station?" "yes" "i can make it in 4 min. if you need it." "he was here, i cant remember why or how, but i say, him, then on the sub way, please com.." "ive already left and i made coco, for the ride..." "...but how did you know..." "i saw him as well, he told me i would pick you up."
the silence was neither awkward nor comfortable, steady nor violent, it was simply understood
"i just pulled in."
"i love you"
"what we share is not to be held to the restraints of words, no more then our world is"
an shaky smile starts to twitch upon her face, i continue
"i love you"
her eye releases a single tear
"im here"
the light in the phone booth then starts to flicker, and with out hesitation she places the phone on its nest, and takes the 9 steps to the cars, by the 4th the light was out, i wait at her door,
"he cant hurt us"
she holds tight to my body with her shoulders around my neck, i return the act, starting to loose my self in the safety of our embrace,
we both at once release.
a single kiss and i start to my said of the car.
sitting driving, sipping hot coca, she says only one thing,
"hes getting stronger"
then science. she knows i understood.

big plans and broken dreams

big plans broken dreams. thats the article. i named it and wrote. out of 96 usable photograohs from my dard room 31 were publised along with 9 pages from my journal. theres one that stand out in my mind more then all the rest. it got the cover. i dont even know why i care about that. well its the next 8 months rent and it payed for all the travel. the money was unexpected but it doesnt mean a god damn thing. the image was taken just out side of the village, as the sun was rising.. in black and white. there are 4 tress in the background all changing and manipulating trings of light through fog in ways that just dont seem logical. theres a boy riding a bike up the street, the front wheel cut off by the edge of the picture he has is brother on his shoulders. the brother with chin resting on olders, looking almost limp. i superemposed a man out side of the back over the right side. he was smug. almost evil i dont know how to discribe it. and yet it was 24 page article. it just jumped at me. this is basic. ive had too much to drink and im not thinking. i should sleep. shes waiting.

no memory, just her

a sip, in inhale, hold close, over my sholder her lips on my neck, her smell intoxicating, i return. these words, strangly important, my hand agian her head on my neck, my hand on her sholder, head leaned as far back as it will go, her hair covering my face, like silk over water, she is every dream i never had the imagination to concieve. she is love, and lust, and every thing in between. she will drive you up a wall and to the piano to write symphaniens that make motazart look like a fourth grader stuggling to make it though his recidle. she is insperation. i have nine picturs in front of me. all freshly washed, days ive spent perfecting them, thinking of only them, in trans, in love, enslaved, these forographes were all that i had; her lips move aginst my neck, warm soft, i feel the suttle, implication of teeth. what photographs. i am lost, i am hers, living only in that moment. my hand silps over her shoulders and the tips of my nails slide almost instinctivly to her sholder blade then in an arch down her back, my elbow strait up, my hand slowly sliding up. no clothes restrain us, the suttlest tuck of the tips of my finges and i feel a shiver run down her back as my hands come to a rest on securing her thricept. her skin is so worm and softer then any cotton, i open my mouth and breath heavey on the bottom of her ear, a nible is all it takes, she begins to bit in a little harder to my neck, what dark room what photos, what ciggerette, what chair? im not sitting am it?! there is only her, my lips run down the back of her check bone then plunging of the edge of the clif to her neck, he face now above me, still breathing her hair, my hand has some how slipped to the far side of her neck. i can feel her heart pulsing, every kiss, moving a difrent portion of her, her hand on my chest sher finaly spins my chair to face her, my eyes cant find anouth focus but hers, she is beautifull, my hand slides off her shoulder to her side then down to the small of her hip as she leans forward over me, still transfixed by the look in her eyes. wit hmy other hand i use one finger to place her hair befind her ear then settle on the back of her neck, my eyes begin to close as i pull her lips towards mine, the second hand rises, meeting the first with its finger tips at the back of her neck, her fhands planted on the arm rests of my chair to support or fragile body. her knees pressed anents the seat, holding mine in place. she begiens to slip forward, but wuickly we descover, as we have a thousand times before that this simply will not work, and we slowly rise, as one, stil connected, still embraceing each others kiss. she begins to step back words then tursn her head slowly while i kiss every ench that crosses in my line of sight,ending at her shilder and on her hair, my hands find their way around her waist, and we walk, as one, to the bedroom.
 

this isnt romantic

the cigarette burns as it touches my lips, a warning ignored. with the burning in inhale, savoring every second of what flows through my longs and through my vanes. it sits mounted in the ash stray, ignored, waited for me to return, and take a second chance. every inhale a step forward, a thousand words in a conversation will never need to speak. a friend and a lover. this is not romantic. as i breath i realize, it is me, and i it. a love affair ive had too many times before, always calling for just one last second, sending its breath along my side and across my face. if it could im sure it would smile, and laugh, and show me all the things i loved bore i left. a friend with no desires, or ambitions, simply there to please; and kill. the only double edged sword i could ever devote my self to.

these words are timeless, i could write them now, two weeks, two years, or five years from or to now and that would still have the same meaning. beauty love, and passion. all lost. lost on me, lost on my devotion, and certainly, mostly, lost on these words, written to burning inanimate objects, not alive, but living, burning diapering, as i soon will. bliss? still watching. soon ill see.

good night.

libez, it means forever, only longer

is it spring? it shouldn't be but god does it feel like heaven. we went on a walk today. her wearing a simple, green and brown dress we picked up for for next to nothing, in a little village south of Prague. when the owner of the stand, and the dress maker i assume, dress make say her she called us to her in the middle of a crowded street, come to think of it resembled today, an air of curiosity mixed with ensured enjoyment, she took one look at my live and told her, in broken German, to stand and wait, she then started pilling through mounds of clothing for one dress, one perfect dress, she insisted it was made for her. she would have let us have it for free but i insisted, 15 euros would buy her and her family warm meals for many a night. and besides, that dress was made for her, she was flawless and floating, even now as we stroled she was an angel in that dress not a girl. her hands soft and warm as they interlock with mine tapping her index finger in perfect time to a song im sure was only playing in my head. her dress died off in at the neck leaving it open to just above the waist. with her shoulders open. her hair glazed her back, sliding over her skin like water. i was almost jealous of it, but i always knew, i had her hand, and her heart, and the song that played only in my head, a song that had never been played out loud, and strangely, not strangely, certainly, with out any doubt, i know she was tapping between my fingers. we walked through the market and stopped to listen a local musician, he was singing in german, and playing an acoustic guitar, a twelve string american made ovation i believe, i never imagined those two sounds could come to gather as perfectly as they did in that moment. i whispered in her ear that the surpass was still waiting. she bit the side of her lip she then tipped her head into me and kissed me square on the lips, that moment will always be better then what ever hour proceeded it, she shifted back, still intimate, her hand on my hip, eyes staring past my mind, "so where are we going?" i drew a blank "what? were going?!, wait where are we?" i look around remembering the breeze and the seconds before she kissed me, "oh yeah, i had forgotten where i was for a second, and i cant tell you, its a surpass. you know that." she leans in and kisses me agian, im a sucker for this tactic, but i endured.

i slipped off her body and held onto her hand so she was left standing behind me then led by my arm. she followed and with a sigh filled by a short motor boat with her lips and a smile. she moved so gracefully, even when she was being half dragged though the city, "what are you up to?" slipped out of her lips, followed shortly by "no really, what are you up?"i darted down the streets and around corners taking the long way to through her off. she was still smiling when i stopped short in front of the theater. it was the only cinema in town and it only had one theater with an old projector, four movies circled depending on the night, all in german, two in black and white, we had seen them all a thousand times. i was still doubled over with my hands on my knees catching my breather when i heard her whisper with a little skepticism in her vice, "a movie, is that what this is all about?" i stood strait up and put one finger over her mouth, agian looking her in the eyes, follow me, and i kissed my finger, she raised her eyebrows in acceptance. we walked to the single teller both where we were handed two already printed tickets with our names on them, i hadn't asked for that part but it was a great touch, i would have to thank frank(the ticket teller/ film expert/owner/lover of this fine establishment) for that later. she took the ticket off of the counter and before she had a chance to speak frank jumped in, " youll be in theater one this evening, thats on the left[asifwedidntknow,gottalovefrank], and hurry or youll miss the opening" that said she opened her mouth as if to question, payment, or tickets, or some other trivial detail of the evening, but then she looked and smiled nervously. she was stumped, i couldn't stop grinning. we waled into the theater that seated no more then 50, a large room considering the size of the town. the auditorium was empty, some thing we had never encountered, she agian looked at me this time with her hands strait down in front her, with yet another puzzled look on her face, you could paint the days of year with the expressions she wore and no two days would be the same. "pick any seat, it looks like we have the house to our selves" i said aloud trying not to seem too smug. she saw right through it, and started to play her own little game, "well... i wonder, i mean i always like this one" picking a seat's vision of the screen was half blocked by a curtain that had come detached from one of the corners. "ok if thats what you want" i replied, with the same level of playful sarcasm she had sent to me. "you know i believe these two look pretty good," i said walking to the center of of the theater, " oh and look, theres little notes on the seats, this one has your name on it, and this one has... mine." "you dont say", she replied agian matching the playful spirt. "yah, isn't this weird, first frank with the tickets, then the empty theater, then th..." before i could finish the sound turned on, the lights dimmed to darkness and the film started turning. "hurry sit down," i said in a hushed voice. "why are you whispering", she replied at full volume, "were the only ones here." "its the ambiance... and besides you dont want to miss any thing do you?" as we spoke we drew closer together in the old movie theater seats, designed before armrests were thought to be added to a theater, until her shoulders were even with mine only a little lower, her head on my shoulder, the side farther from her feet, which had made there way on the seats to out left. my arms wrapped around her shoulders, her hands on my arms, i felt like were were in high school, this love five years old and still just as young as the people it thrives in. she leans her head back slightly to speak into my one good ear, whispering she says" so what is it that were seeing, this doesn't look like the usual, show, the previews are in english." i just smile. as the lights dim out and fade back in signifying the start of the movie i feel her grip on my hand tighten around my arm, a tear start to well in her eye, it was that kid from wonder years here to tell us a story, "after all these years you still remember", "how could i forget" the tittle Princess Bride flashes across the screen. it was the first movie that we say, five years ago to the day, "so how long have you been planning this?" a smile and a few tears, hollowing her voice. "well it was just a matter of tracking down a film strip that would fit one of these old protecters, and getting frank to agree to all this, and getting the copy rights to the film... from india." "stop talking," she turned with a smile still carved on her face and a warm stream from each eye going down her check, "you are a wonderful, wonderful, man... theres not words in any language i know,.." she passed and just stared into my eyes, smiling, "I love you" with that we kissed. agian i forgot where i was and what i was doing before that moment, and that moment seemed to last a second and life time, then she separated and placed her head back on my shoulder facing the screen. "libez," i whisper in her ear, i know she had heard me, i feel her eyes close and her muscles release, her hand still intwined with my arm, moving her thumb back and forth again to a song im sure is only in my head. "libez" she whispers back. a smile invades by face as even then i did not think possible. this is bliss.

secret

im taking her tomorrow, its gonna be perfect. ah shes coming, talk later!

develope life

the rush, it never changes. its the glare of the lights and smell of the chemicals. the music drowning out thought, and i still don't hear it, its all just felt. every negative carefully chosen, cleaned, and placed. three enlargers, all set up for black and white. i work on 2-5 at any given time. constantly bouncing from one to another double exposing, and reprocessing. its not even a science, or an art, its frantic. thinking of 10 other things for every one i look at. in crease time change filter stack negatives, shreds of paper make test sheets but rarely do they ever see the light. there is none.  in side or out. solarization is a far off fantasy. i feel my hands start to shake, possibly from the music, my eyes close moving by memory through the process counting the beats in my head, thetas how long ill process, follow the beats, forget clock, forget the process, forget the trays take a brush, develop only the areas you want, then fix them and super impose the rest, until the images flow endlessly from one to another. this is my soul on paper, a flick of light, foreign to my eyes, i jump then the smoke fills my lungs, hands still shaking, the wash bucket so full of life the water wont circulate. i lean on the wall. almost out of breath. with pictures hanging on strings in a closet. the chemicals all over my hands and arms and cloths, i hate the smell of vinegar, but fixer is intoxicating. i slide to the floor and sit, perfectly still, exhausted listening to the water flow trickle off the wash, the music switches tracks, Imogen Heap sings me to sleep while Guy Sigsworth manipulates the room. every thing else fades. ill see the room in the morning.

24 hours

it has been a full 24 hours since i found my angel. i don't want this day to end. we decided to stay in to celebrate my return, and well mostly her. her skin is never as soft as it is when i come home, her lips never as smooth, she is truly more perfect with every passing glance. after we stayed in, i unpacked, and prepared 4 jugs of chemicals to process 86 rolls of film, she said she missed the smell of fixer while i was gone.  ill never need cologne. I'm falling asleep as i type so ill make this rather short, we ate Italian. authentic. pasta that had been made today,  moste likely while i was flying, it was wonderful. now shes asleep next to me, i was watching her sleep, not wanting to let my eyes close. i must be loosing it, I'm hugging a keyboard and not her?! maybe i am to tired to think, that settles it, no more thinking, at least not for now, not for tonight, tonight, threes only me and her, me her and our dreams, all three worlds the same. goodnight world.

blue dress in the door way

the flight was rougher then normal. i dont know why their weren't any clouds to be seen, but the fasten seat belt sign was on the whole time. it was one of those small east block european airlines where you never know if a wing is going to fall off mid flight, or one of the stuartes will come over the head and ask if there are in any pilots on board in a language only me and 3 other people on the plane can understand.
anyways it was relatively short, 6 hours from Vadodara to Berlin, then an hour in the car. i took a taxi, the driver was strange, he sounded Czech, offered to let me smoke but i declined, we could smoke on the air plane, did i mention that, i guess not. thats why the flight went so quick, at least im my own head. any ways ill never get sick of the ride, the auto bann will always be exciting in the back seat of a mercedes taxi cab. i was hauling two bags full of camera equipment and some cloths, i felt like a tourist.

when we pulled up to the house, she seemed to open the door instinctually, i hadn't called since we landed, but she know i was close. she stopped in the open door way for a second and starred at me as opened the door to the cab and stood up. its that look she gives, when i cant tell if ive done some thing wrong or she lost or if my entire world is about to start over, thats the look thats kept me all these years. she had a blue and white sun-dress, the kind i would usually despise, but it danced on her skin like wind to the petals of a leaf and fluttered arrogantly in the breeze. she was beautiful. then all at once seemingly with out any thought, as if the previous second had never existed she ran, i stepped forward and she jumped into my arms, "I missed you" she said as she squeezed me back to life. she furiously started kissing my face and i leaned to her ear and breathed "i love you". we both stayed there, her completely off the ground for what seemed like a second and an eternity all at once. her hair was soft, blond for the first time in my memory, she told me she dyed it but refused to send a picture, longest three weeks of my life. she smelled sweeter then i had imagined, some combination of cinnamon vanilla, and a hint of jasmine.
"this is bliss" is whispered, and found her lips. the cab driver then started coughing into his hands ready for me to take the bags he retrieved from the trunk receive his fair, damn him.

she stepped down. i kissed her once more and she took one of the bags and started walking in. i took the second and searched for euros to pay and tip the driver, i tipped him well for the trouble and he seemed gracious. i followed her inside, she was barefoot, and it appeared that the sun dress was all between me and her. i smirked. "will you tell me every thing?" she asked over her shoulder, "every second" i replied as i put down the bag,"but theres some thing i need to do first". "oh really? and what would that be?" she said ever so provocatively, with one eyebrow raised,. now turned and standing in the opening to the bed room. "well you see theres tis girl, who i haven't seen in ages..." i walk towards her as i speak half looking down half looking down for fear looking directly into her eyes will make me forget every thing,"... and if i dont kiss her then im gonna loose my....", my voice fades as our lips touch....

coming home makes every venture worth the every second.
this is bliss.

the plan

this blog is still shinny and new, i should fill it with good things, fun things, lies. that way i can make up a life, read this, think its me, and forget that i hate this shit.

sound like a plan.

i love my job. im 22, engaged, i have 3 degress and speak 4(learning my fitith) laungage. i currently live england, just on the edge of london, buti dought ill be there for long, i can honestly say that ive atleast stept foot in every country in eourpe. ive traveled all over asia as well.  mostly i just document my travels, through photography, paining, and words, thats all i need to get by. knowlege is power, and in this world i geus people will pay top dollar for power, i dont qestion it, just travel, document, and move on. :)

hello

new blog. fun times. yay fun.